I feel like I made a mistake. Like, FUCK! I am thinking I should try to take it back, like cancel my friend request, and block him. But that would infuriate me, if someone did that to me. Every time i get a message from them, it's from 'fb user'. I would hate that. So instead, I'll stand strong and let him tear me down if that's what.
I choose to make the mistake, seeking the tingles that happen in my heart whenever I talk to him. Most recently, I only end up feeling this sense of impending dread and doom as he inevitably seems to shun and ignore me. This is kind of what I was talking about before with Mr. Gravity giving me hope; I am one persistent bass turd, and I can't seem to get it through my thick skull that my feelings just don't matter to him. They just don't. I guess, one of the reasons it's so hard for me to contemplate, is because I don't think I'm asking him for more than is acceptable. I can completely understand if he doesn't romantically have interest in me. I can also understand the nature of his reluctance- I admit, I lost my mind in 2012, and am still avidly in pursuit of it. I wish I could explain the reasons for my actions, but I am at a loss over them myself. I push people away by reaching too far into their lives. I just want to be friends though. I don't need to be some spectacular person in his life. Just facebook friends, and I'll never so much as 'like' his status again.
There is a thing I did. So ashamed, I haven't even been able to write it out in my paper personal diary, even in handwriting so thick it's illegible. His thing about 'selfish people' moved me, regarding this, and many things. Maybe if I had told him the thing that I am even too ashamed to get into today, it would have made him understand. Still,I can feel how pathetic I sound, but I'm nothing if not honest.I just love how he makes me feel like an idiot- not in an inferior way, just naturally in life, it becomes clear who of any 2 individuals, seems to just be smarter than the other. I want to be the idiot more often. It's especially nice to be an idiot to someone who is considered a peer, rather than an elder or superior. I am done with enjoying the aspect of being ignored. I am done. It has gone too far. I was only supposed to use him as a character; Cast him in the role of an object whom I could then decide, with absolutely no pressure: Whether or not I have an interest in physical contact with a human being. I have come so far from that point. I have made the discovery, that YES! I am interested in physical contact with another human being. Not only that, But I'm enamored by the idea. I am still so apprehensive to do anything in the real world. I still have such thick walls that feel impenetrable; I still need to break the touch barrier with a human being. I shake hands, and awkwardly hug- pulling myself from the embrace very quickly. I do not like when someone puts their arms completely around me, you know- like, touching their hand to their other hand while I am encircled in their arms. The idea: the fantasy is so amazing, but the reality of it is a sensory overload: Overwhelmed by the thought; Nowhere near ready to push it further.
I honestly did, and do still enjoy being ignored; The less a person says, the more likely it is that I get to stay the idiot of the interraction, and not have that tarnished by a dimwitted display of thought. It's my turn to be the dam imbecile, you hear me Universe? It's on Me!!
Maybe his ignoring me has caused me to have a deeper, more extensive life analysis than any conversation I could ever have had with him anyhow.
I am proud to declare that the persistence in my character, is by no means isolated to this endeavor. It's who I am in every way. It's not like there's anything a person could say to me that would make me stop writing. Sure, I would probably decide not to share with them again, but knowing me, I would even be too stubborn to do that. I would share with them again. I can't say why. It's not like stifling my expression would show anyone anything. It's not like I would get some type of revenge on the editor who keeps rejecting my submissions, to resolve to never make a submission again. It would be a pointless, self destructive choice to make. I am what I am; *Hopelessly*. ((One of the only places one could put such concept to make it beautiful.)) I always know this in the pit of what I am. Otherwise, I wouldn't deliberate the desires to 'just give up'. It would feel right enough to accept, and do, but I don't. I can't. I won't.
My neutral mind doesn't default to suicide anymore; Not that my thoughts are completely free of it. This is progress even still.
The concept of marriage has the same mixture of hope and despair that his divorce does. Marriage is a very hopeful idea, that there is a person out there who will (make their best attempt to) love you forever. But also, I get older, more people I know are married, or have been married for over a year. People who are younger than me, getting married- being married for over a year now. This isn't like school yo. So why do I feel the pressure to keep up with my class? I've fallen behind. My chances dwindle as time pushes forward. All the good spouse-berries get picked; Fating me to a life of solitude. I love to be alone at least; Alarmingly so. It's just that I fantasize of love within my time alone; I don't romanticize my autonomy. I feel exceedingly unlovable. I don't want to rush into something disingenuous either; I would never want to diminish the sanctity of marriage- at least not knowingly. I want to go into it believing it's forever, and not feeling doomed to that.
Divorce is just as disheartening as marriage is hopeful, the idea that this commitment; To love another person for eternity, somehow has failed. It's a swift kick in the arse is what it is. But the possibility that *he* could be available again, in this same sea of singularity as me; His mere presence, makes the whole place seem less doomed, and more promising. Very hopeful indeed. Strange, yes. Maybe that's what hooks me?
(On prospects of my own 'what if'fing' future), Divorce is alarming because i know i am BURSTING with crazy, and i dont know if there is someone out there who could really stick with this
Divorce seems like giving up on hope for people to change on their own; To grow into love.
There is a seed of worry with every promising love; Of it's shattering end.
Honestly, and i kind of feel ridiculous to say this; I don't know how *not* to love forever. I wouldn't want to revoke my feelings; Who would i bother to convince of this? Myself? Miss me with this mess of nonsense.
I don't stash away a piece of myself just in case; In the name of safety.
Just in case should be a red flag, i would otherwise hope to believe in what i have.
I guess, I don't have to go to the extreme of wanting to forget something. I can rather; Aspire to prioritize the value of each memory. It's true- I so admit, I have absolutely no clue how to decide what is and is not 'meaningful', down to the last intricate detail; It all means the world to me. Everything. Tooo many things, and then again it also seems; Not enough. Not by far. I could sit here and drum out so many details. They all matter so much to me, and I pray, I PRAY oooh LORD, I pray for the wisdom to differentiate between the profound and the mundane.
I keep getting these really intense dreams that I actually have to think about for a moment before I know whether or not they're memories. The latest one involves riding on the back of a motorcycle with my ex, Vixen. This, at first; Damaged the integrity of my memory, but I decided upon further exploration, It alternatively punctuates the vividness of my dreams. Especially since I have always been able to distinguish that it as what it truly is: A dream in the form of a memory, and not a memory in the form of a dream.
My writing has what my typing needs: The perfect combination of deliberateness, and ease, that goes in to making a masterpiece. Sigh.
My fingers get stiff and rigid and sometimes I type random letters for no apparent reason other than my nervousness. Sometimes I need to just let go and know that I have the skills to put forth less effort; In thinking slower, I will act faster. I overwhelm myself with trying, with wanting, and hoping and in that static I lose the clarity I would have by simply 'being'.
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